song of the moment..it's just to soothing to listen to. i guess it's the effect of listening to nina's live cd over and over again in the car. anyway, if anyone knows the artist who originally sang this, hit me up! thanks.




I wanna live and take a chance
I'm not afraid to love again

This shit flat-out DESERVES to have a new face. Fortunately I have settled on a design. If all my plans fall through, this thing will have a new look by the end of November( yes i am that slow. haha!) Expect a fiery entrance for this blog. Kane ain't got shit on this. Im out. peace.

I sit and wonder
What exactly went wrong
what stripped us of our clothes
getting us cold and naked, afraid of the world

I can't seem to see what you wanted to say, we can't meet halfway..all i can hear is the sound of something dying, maybe that is what is really happening.

I try to remember all the things you said
all the sweet nothings, all the promises we made
Now that i'm all alone i realize that forever is still so far away

We had happiness when we became one, how could we let it slip from our hands?
We were on top of the world, how come we let ourselves fall down?

But your thoughts are already cemented in stone, my strength is low, i can't move anymore. all i can do is sit around and think of you and cry and crumble, just like our dreams, when the glass that held them began to shatter

I want to relive those times we had, the times we were together, every moment when we laughed hard. Now that i'm by myself i realize that forever is still so far away

I know we gave each other bruises and scars that will be with us forever, when we didn't realize and understand each other, but i can't fathom the fact that you won't be there in the morning anymore. I still want to repair the bridge that divides us, the one that keeps us apart, because you are the one that keeps me waking up, making me move and face anything in my path

Remember our promises? Remember our words? I don't know what happened, everything just started to take a turn for the worse. I used to think that we were invincible, nothing can destroy our march in the happy parade..but now that i'm just sitting alone i realized that forever is still so far away.

I want you
I need you
I miss you
I love you

I keep myself stuck in the darkest corners of my mind, it helps ease the pain of being inadequate, because i don't want to be the glass of water to leave someone thirstier than before. Maybe someday this pit of sour emotion may become something fruitful, but until then this pain that keeps on growing is something that's feeding on my soul.

I wish that you'd help me, be there again like you used to. I'm sure i'll give you anything you need, because if you're there with me, there's nothing I won't do. Now that everything's different, and that all I can do is cry until i can't cry no more, there's nothing i realize more than the fact that forever was something we weren't ready for...

But i still love you..I still consider you my everything. these wounds will heal but my heart will continue to bleed, because you're the one who has the missing pieces. Now that I'm writing here, the place where my emotions rest, somehow, someway, I still feel that forever is something we can someday get..

My epiphany is that words mean nothing without the proper actions to back them up. Fortunately, I found out about that before things grew more complicated. And for the first time my paranoia paid off. And snakes do exist. They really do. Up yours. But I still give thanks, because without sadness, you cannot experience happiness. And I'm damn sure that I'm happier than ever because of.....so thanks.

I'm raising a finger for those peeps who have been wronged and snaked out. Peace.

I've been watching a lot of One Tree Hill lately. I'm actually in the middle of the first season DVD. I think i'm gonna finish it sometime..

Anyway, i was browsing TV.com for useless trivia about OTH's episodes and I found out that the episode titles are actually song titles! I checked the title of my fave episode ( s1 ep2) and found out that "The places you have come to fear the most" is a Dashboard Confessional song. I decided to check the band out.

The first song I heard from DC is "Hands Down," a song about one's happiest day. Upon hearing all their albums, I found out that DC is full of extreme happiness or extreme sorrow. It's all about the singer's experiences on a certain emotion everyone feels at some one point in their life(I say this with the belief that there is only ONE love in your life, all others are just being blinded by the semblance of love.) I must say that I've never encountered these type of songs before. After this musical experience, all the stupid love and hate songs are pure shit compared to the stuff these dudes put up. No sugarcoating, just raw and unchannelled emotion.

Why do I keep listening? I don't know. Do I feel some kind of affinity or do I relate to the music? I don't know. All I know that listening to their music just makes me feel the singer's feelings, makes me step into another's shoes, an effect I've never felt before, and in the process, feel better about myself. Just listening to DC just makes me feel damn good. The exact reason I don't really know for sure, I'm just screaming and crying the same time as the song. I never thought that music could be like a book, taking you to places you never thought of before, places that you might have been to already, teaching you and making you feel things you never felt before. I never thought that music could be so emotionally-charged and emotionally-empty at the same time. I never thought music could be so sweet.

On the way home, this car hears my confessions.
I think tonight I'll take the long way...
- Dashboard Confessional "Sharp Hint of New Tears"

Damn. Damn, damn damn. We lost another basketball game today. After being up by as much as I think 20 points in the first half, the weakness of our bench was thoroughly exploited. This led to the whole collapse of the team, leading to the very disappointing loss. I have to give it to our opponent though, because they showed real heart and stuck to their original gameplan. We, on the other hand, went against our own formulated gameplan due to the frustration.

I guess this really is a team game. I just find it hard to concentrate on the game when a lot of the team doesn''t show as much intensity as a handful of players do. It's also hard when I know I can help and contribute but still I am given soooo little playing time. It also hurts that players you know you are better than are given more opportunities than yourself. Well mixie Perez, welcome to the real world.

I don't want to single anybody out, basketball is after all, a team game, and everyone contribute to the loss. I just hope that the team formalizes its roles and rotation so everybody will know what to do. I, on the other hand, will try to prove to everyone I deserve to be at least a sixth man.

I wanted to contribute a lot partly because I want to be in the finals, but mostly for Cecille, who unfortunately took her permanent vacation recently. I still dedicate my performance for her. I felt she was with me throughout the game because I never felt so confident in a game prior to this one. I was just so frustrated that I didn't give the performance I expected. Simple comments aside, Ces, here are my stats: 5 mins played, 2pts, 1/2FG, 2 steals, 1 assist. All of them were for you. I still pray that you are happy now. I hope you are resting well. I am sorry I wasn't able to go to your sendoff. I swear I will visit you once I go to Davao. Take care wherever you are, and I'll see you again someday. Maybe we can talk about the RPG's you missed. Don't worry, I will try to fill you in on every detail. I hope you know that I played my heart out for those 5 minutes I was the playing court. From this game forward, I always will. Thank you for everything. I hope I will get more minutes so I can give even more. Till then, I will prove to everyone I deserve more playing time. I know you will always be watching. Try not to laugh when I bomb ok? hehe. Rest in peace Ces...

See you at the crossroads, so you won't be lonely..

I woke up yesterday with the notion of having tickets to see the Ateneo-LaSalle game that afternoon. I remember being reeeeaaly excited to be able to go. Shiiiet..nuff said.

I came to work wearing a blue shirt and my Ateneo baller ID. Damn I was hella proud of the team, beating FEU their last game and "Downtown" LA Tenorio raising his stock for next year's pro draft. But with last night's performance, from my previous prediction that he'll go in the top 2, I now feel a number 3 picking is in order. You can quote me on that too. To go a little off the topic, here are my top 3 picks in next year's PBA Draft:
1. Arwind Santos (no doubt, he can really bring the pain with his solid all-around game)
2. Kelly Williams (did you see those hops?? an improved shooting touch will push him up)
3. LA Tenorio (he proved to be very stoppable in 2 games against DLSU but he still is the best PG in the amateurs right now)

I remember I was drenched and cold when I got inside the Araneta Coliseum coz I lost my jacket in an FX that morning, but I was still really energized for the game. I was lucky enough that my mom went ahead of us to save seats, even though my sister never really showed up.

The game started really bad for Ateneo. I think it was a quick 7-0 run for DLSU and there was no looking back after that, but I still was fortunate enough to see Japeth Aguilar throw it down with two hands over TWO La Salle players. Damn!! I guess I should have just taken my seat after that because after that stuff, nothing good came out of the Blue and White again.

Even though Ateneo was only down 5 at the half, I felt that the team wasn't doing enough to win. Tenorio and Intal led scoring with 6 apiece but everyone else struggled shooting inside, outside, and even from the line. I don't know how any team could win with that many FT misses..

By the time the 3rd quarter started, I knew it was over for Ateneo. Numerous steals off the press and a LOT of easy baskets were scored by La Salle. The sad thing is, Ateneo couldn't defend the pick and roll well enough so DLSU also caught fire from the outside. It started to become a whitewash.

I held a breath of hope for the 4th quarter but Ateneo was really outclassed in this one. My mom and I left with 2 minutes remaining in the 4th coz there was really no point in staying there. I also didn't want to contend with the massive numbers of people trying to barge out of the stadium. All wasn't lost thought, because I got the chance to eat at Taco Bell Philippines for the first time. Hehe it was my first meal for the day.

In the end, Ateneo has lost its chance of gaining the 2nd twice-to-beat spot. That can now go to either DLSU or UE this Sunday. I really don't care who wins, I just hope that Ateneo can at least go to the finals, although they will be the underdogs. At least I got to enjoy my tacos and quesadillas last night.

Dear Ces,

I know that we don't know each other too well. I first met you when you were still dorming with Cel a couple of years ago. In fact, I am sorry I didn't use all those chances to know you better.

I must admit, for me at first you were just Cel's roommate whose path I didn't want to cross because I don't know you. The first couple of times that I entered the condo, I did just that. As time went on I was still uncomfortable going there. I don't even know why I still did. But I can remember that you were usually the first one to greet me as I walked in the door. Little by little, my anxiousness started to wear off.

A couple of months passed and I felt that I knew everyone in that condo. I guess I was comfortable already. But to tell you the truth, your empathic greeting accompanied by your inviting smile always gave me the balls to stay there. You always made me feel welcome. Thanks for that.

I remember that you were the one who almost always ordered the same food as I did. When we ordered KFC, you would get the 2-piece with a lot of gravy. Just like me. When it was happy homes, it was usually the same as well. The point is, you were the only one in the condo that ate like I did. That made me feel even more welcome.

I also remember that you loved video games, especially RPG's. I could always see you playing games, whether it was FF7 on your PS emulator or Ragnarok Online, you were immersed in video games. When it wasn't video games, it was watching movies. I must say that my habit of just surfing channels in search of random movies was something that I got from you. Thanks again.

Because of some issues that I didn't really want to be a part of, you moved out the next year. After that, I rarely saw you again, except for the times we would catch each other walking along katipunan or enjoying a meal at the nearest 7-11. We would just exchange greetings and that was that.

The last time I saw you was I think during January, when I was hanging out outside the convenience store outside Prince David, lamenting on the past and the future. These are my accounts of that encounter using my limited memory: you saw me there and greeted me hello. I said the same thing and we proceeded to ask each other how we were. When it got to me, for some strange reason, I decided to tell you something really personal..something I wouldn't usually tell to anyone I see on the street. But at that moment, I didn't care if I hadn't seen you in a year or so. I guess that comfort that smile of yours brought, as well as all the memories in One Burgundy Plaza made me feel even more comfortable so I proceeded to tell you what I'm thought and hours earlier, cried about.

I guess me babbling is very common. But what you did next gave me the impression that you were a genuinely nice person. I remember you telling me to text you if I felt any worse. I must admit I was moved by the gesture. No one did that other than you. No one. No other person openly told me to ask them for help. Even though at that moment, that might seem a bit odd coming from a person I haven't seen in more than a year and a person I don't know really well, that was big. That was really big. Thank you very much for that. I am sorry that I didn't take your offer. I'm sorry I didn't text you. I'm sorry I didn't even get a chance to say "thanks."
Months passed and everyone has moved on. Most of my friends, including myself, have joined the working force. Because of that, I rarely went to Katipunan anymore. That meant that I rarely saw the people that were still there.

Last Friday, I drove to work with the mindset of spending time with Cel, because it was her day-off. While I was doing my job, I received a call...I found out that you've left us all. To be honest, I didn't know what to do. I knew little about losing someone I know, someone who I've interacted with most of my life. I remember just sitting on my chair, doing nothing.
The day turned into darkness. Everything seemed useless. I thought about the memories I had with you, the times that you were there in the condo the same time I was, the little moments and situations I shared with you. Those were the only ones left.

Your friends held a mass for you in your condo. I remember being scared to come but with Cel's help, I finally decided to join the mass for you.

Everyone was devastated and shocked. The room was filled with despair and sorrow. I tried my best to keep my composure but in the end, I was overpowered by emotion. I cried. I cried because you were nice to me. I would never see that smile of yours again. I would never get to text you and thank you again. I cried because someone I barely knew passed on, never to return. Now I know that I should have tried to know you better. Based on what everyone was saying that night, and that single moment outside Prince David, you were a very nice person. You lit up everyone you came in contact with. No doubt, you did that for me.

I believe everyone has their reasons. I have respect for yours. That is why I am angered by people that try to speak for you, and people who try to judge you. I believe that you should look at a person's life and not that person's passing. It's the least everyone could do for you, given the fact at how much you've touched their lives, including mine.

I'm sorry that I couldn't put this on the post-it last friday. I honestly was at a loss for words. I didn't want to say something incomplete. I'm sorry that the words are just coming now.
Finally, I would like to thank you. Thank you for that one moment. Thank you for giving me the chance to know you, thank you for making me comfortable everytime I went to the condo. thank you for being yourself.

I hope you're in a better place now. I hope that you've found that happiness that you have been searching for. I feel, along with all your friends, that it is long overdue for you. You deserve nothing but happiness. I will dedicate my performance at my company's sportsfest to you. I will try my best to perform until my limits set in. Thanks again. Even though I never knew you too well, you will definitely be missed.

See you at the crossroads...rest in peace dear friend...

mixXx